My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
