dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Mom said you looked used
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
