please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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