I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
