So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize