I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
