If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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