"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
