I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
