Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
