what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
