Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
