hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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