what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You need Xanax blowdarts
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
