Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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