I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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