a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
