naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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