Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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