Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
