someone threw a dead crab at me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Please don't give away my fajitas
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
