How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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