I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
