Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
