I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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