Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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