This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
not ubering you a puppy
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
