Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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