You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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