got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
