I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
