I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
