Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
