my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
