I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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