Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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