You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
