Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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