i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
