God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
