Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
