flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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