So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If I had your ass I would rule the world
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
