You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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