all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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