Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Holy sore nipples Batman
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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