That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
