I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
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I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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