Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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