Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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